I've been in a very... cuddly mood lately. Not with anyone in particular, but just in general. I think I've worn myself out a little and all I feel like is curling up in my blankets near my heater and just dozing, or napping, or just day-dreaming. It's so incredibly cozy and comfortable. Except I can't talk any of my friends to do that with me because it's strange. But here is why.

When I used to live in Russia, during the winter and in the evenings, the power would go out a lot. I mean all the time. Unfortunately, when the power goes out in Siberia in the middle of winter the temperature inside drops to unbearable, so every time that happened, my Mom and I would crawl onto the bed under all the blankets we had and just.. talk. My Mom has not been around a lot when I was small. She was always very career-oriented, was a single parent for a while so had to work hard. But during those times she couldn't practice, or read, or work, so we would just lie there and talk, and very often sing together to pass the time. It would seem there was no one else but us, I felt so safe. I've always had an incredibly close bond with my mother, and being with her that way, having her undivided attention was just something I treasured. I used to look forward to power outages, wish for them adamantly every night in the winter.

To this day, there is something most incredibly comforting to me to crawl under the blankets when it's cold and dark outside. I guess you feel most protected when you're actually being protected from something. One of my favourite ways of communication is to sit in the dark and talk, and I often ask my very closest friends to just lie in the dark with me and talk to me as normal, like we're hanging out. I used to always weird out my friends because I'd turn off the lights, ask to turn off the lights as much as possible when we hang out.

Yes. But that is why. It's one of my fondest memories. *sighs* But yeah, it is a very awkward question to ask anyone, really. "Would you just lie here with me in the dark?"

Hey guys!

Yes, am alive, and am back. How have you all been?

How have I been? In the last 20 days, I've read 6 full-length novels. I know that it's not exactly an incredibly impressive achievement, seeing as I'm a fast reader, but, well, it does quite clearly show my state of mind. This is how I deal when I'm stressed or upset. I binge-read. I've replaced most things I do otherwise outside of work with reading. It's a sort of escapism, one may say. :)

I'm ok now because my Mom once taught me the importance of saying "I'm sorry", even if it's difficult, even if it hurts, even if you're scared. Saying it first and meaning it. The importance, also, of forgiveness and empathy and realizing that sometimes, you may be an outlet for something, for someone else's pain, but it's not, actually, about you at all. I'm ok now because my father taught me that stubbornness can ruin lives and sometimes you just have to let go, not give up but give in. I'm ok now because someone had once showed me that when people are worth fighting for, you fight for them, end of story. I'm ok now because by being who they are, people that I love have taught me that you can never give up on them, lose faith in them, even if they think you should, even if everyone before you had, even if they'll expect that of you. And sometimes, you may have to have so much faith to actually hand someone the knife, stick your neck out, allow them to take a shot, because you know they wouldn't, trust they wouldn't, need them to know you know they wouldn't.

The dogs I walk, the two 300-pound fluffy fridges on legs, have been my faithful therapists. Honestly, I love those fluffers so much. If they sense I'm upset they walk at my side, me between them, and lean on me. Stand in between me and anyone who approaches me. When I sit down on the bench, the girl, Darcy, sits at my side and leans on me and the guy, Gatsby, puts his big fluffy head on my knee and looks at me with his one big sincere eye. Darcy got excited at seeing me and jumped at me once, but because of the mass of her couldn't quite lift herself off the ground and body-checked me in a wall. O_o And Gatsby has dysplesia and his hip has been in a very rough shape lately. To get to his apartment we have to go up one flight of stairs and once, he just couldn't quite find the strength to. So I carried his 300-pound ass up the stairs. :P One of my fellow dog-walkers heard and said it was WAY too much work and we don't get paid for that, but, what alternative did I have, really? And why wouldn't I do that? :/ If I would do it for any one of my friends, I would do it for any one of those dogs. Simple, really. How and why would you differentiate?

My heart is somehow finally at ease, and had been for a couple of days, but I haven't slept for 3 weeks, so I think I'm rambling a little and melting cheese here. :P Must sleep for a long long time and wake up and say that the month of November has been tough, but it's over.

HIATUS

Don't even ask why I thought penis-font to announce this is a good idea, but, um, it made me giggle for a second. I mean, you know, penis font.

Anyways, I just need some time.. away. For the first time in my life, I kind of ran out of things to say. I just need a couple of weeks, so I won't be updating for a while . Sorry about that... Except I'm not sorry. I'll try to read when I can, but if I miss something important in your lives, for that I am sorry.

It seems to me that the problem with diaries, and the reason that most of them are so boring, is that every day we vacillate between examining our hangnails and speculating on cosmic order. ~Ann Beattie.

That quote made me crack up so much. I don't think diaries, or journals, in this case, are boring (well, they can be, but not as a rule). And I certainly don't think any of your journals are boring, because if I did, I wouldn't be reading them.

But there is so much truth in that, isn't there? I find it interesting to observe it. Because we do jump from discussing the meaning of life to discussing the meaning of french toast in our life from entry to entry. :P It really shows you that people, they aren't robots. That they can care both about the meaning of life and french toast. That they can be both wise and deep and silly and childish all at the same time. I know a couple of people who can't grasp that you can be both grown-up and mature and childish and immature all at the same time. I, personally, think it's the best way to be.

There is one thing I never understood. Never. And that is simply why a person would make a choice not to shower. There is nothing that grosses me out more than bad hygiene. And, I mean, I don't even insist on cologne, or gel, or style, or anything but basic hygiene. You can be someone who doesn't have a scent, who is dressed in clothes that are in any state you want, you can afford, whatever, as long as they're clean. As long as I don't choke up and die of shock and asphyxiation from the stench that announces your presences miles and miles ahead.

There is a customer that persistently comes to the store smelling so bad that burning incenses right under my nose doesn't even help. And this man buys expensive art books, he's relatively well-dressed and he pays with Credit and Debit cards so he is obviously not homeless, or at least has the means to find a shower (and lets not even go there - shelters in Toronto provide showers and clean clothing even if you are homeless, as has been pointed out to me by a couple of homeless people who frequent our store). This man has a simple problem - infrequent showers + no deodorant + backpack that seems to have seen WWII but has not, unfortunately, seen a washing machine (or a garbage bin). And it just kills me. And the sad thing? I know people, actually know people, who seem to think it is absolutely socially acceptable to ignore personal hygiene and then go into public places and force that life choice on other people.

Like really. I take two showers, at least, morning and night, I brush my teeth regularly throughout the day (but at least twice, again), I put on deodorant right after a shower and before going out anywhere, and do my laundry every week (and do not reuse underwear or socks, God forbid). It doesn't take a lot of time or effort. It's not something I choose to do as much as it's a natural thing to do, like going to the bathroom. I mean, don't think me a snob, I really wish you wouldn't, but I can't even imagine waking up and deciding not to brush my teeth and go somewhere. I know a person who says "My teeth are so good I don't even have to brush them as often. I don't brush them in the mornings, why bother?" Why? Because MORNING BREATH IS GROSS, that is why.


In other news, you have no idea how much I appreciate your support on the last previous entries. It feels so good to talk to people. Don't get me wrong, but I think the fact that you guys don't have faces helps. A lot. I was never one who was comfortable, knew how to, really, spill my heart to people face-to-face, which, I guess, is why I've kept a journal my whole life. To tell someone something personal as is to actually ask for help or say I'm sorry is difficult and painful for me, and while I know I don't really literally pour my hearts out even here, I appreciate your support and help without having to ask for it, look you in the eyes.. If that makes sense?

I just went outside to sit on the front porch for a few minutes. The moon is full and gorgeous. There are a lot of clouds, so you can't see any stars, but the moon is so bright it's like a splash of colour in the black sky. It shines clearly right through the clouds. And it's completely, utterly, still and quiet.

I have to say, that kind of silence always scared me a little bit. It's not a natural kind. In the middle of the city, in the middle of the night, the kind of dead silence that can fall is no kind that you can find in nature. In nature, complete silence feels and sounds different - there is wind, there are trees, there is something that doesn't feel quite so unnatural.

But tonight I have to say I sat there in that complete unnatural silence, and it was somehow.. I don't know. Calming. Safe. I usually don't like it when I am that alone with my own thoughts, but the full moon has always had a strong effect on me, and tonight I welcomed the company of myself and my crazy mind. Just for a little while.

It reminds me of winter. If you find yourself in the middle of winter in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, where it's so far from anything and anywhere that you can actually easily forget that anywhere and anything else exists, that's the kind of silence you would find there, and there it's natural. And I guess tonight I miss there. I miss there a lot.

Happy happy, my sweeties! :)


Today I realized that people would love me so much more if I tried to be more like someone else, different than what, ultimately, defines me as me. But I would love me so much less. And even though I wish some people would like me more than they do, I want them to like me for me, and I would never compromise my respect for myself to make that happen.

So, in other words, if you want me to be something else, if you can't deal with what I am, what I say, what I do, if you find yorself thinking I would be so much better and you would like me so much more if I was only that this and that, you can shove it full of walnuts because that's just too bad. :P

I've been very unhappy with my shampoo, which is that new Herbal Essences Dangerously straight stuff in the hot pink bottles. I've used it for a couple of days and couldn't figure out why no matter how much I squeezed out, it just wouldn't soap up my hair! Today, I realized the two bottles I bought were both conditioner. -_- Mega fail. Just.. wow.

I work from 6-midnight on Halloween. :( Not that I had plans or anything. I'm not, actually, a big fan of dressing up. But still. May grab a couple of friends and head to a pub or something after, but it's probably going to be a mad house.

Wow. Some people are astoundingly stupid. Some guy on Facebook commented on my (very Christan) friend's status about how she loves Halloween with "Many Satanists still actually celebrate Halloween as their major holiday!" And he threw in "It's a Pagan holiday. Not only does it bug the shit out of me when people throw Pagan and Satan in the same sentence, but fucking do your research before opening your mouth and smearing the bullshit that comes out all over my Facebook page! x( Satanism is an actual religion. Like Christianity, it has many sub-categories, such as Luciferianism, Traditional Satanism, Palladists, LaVeyan Satanism and quite a few more. Not one - NOT ONE - of them celebrates Halloween as their major holiday. The only allusion to actual "Satan" Halloween even makes is in being called The Devil's Night in some parts of the world, which is meant to be taken not as "Satan's Day" but "A Night of Mischief". Either way, even actual Satanism looks at Satan in a very different way than the Christians do.

There is a whole load of Christian propaganda out there about the "evils and truths" of Halloween, but this kind of bullshit annoys me and honestly, what kind of educated person would ever BUY that shit? You want to talk about Satanism? Speak about ACTUAL Satanism and leave Pagans out of it. The whole "OMG they don't worship Jesus thus they must worship Satan!!" was not ok back then, it's not ok still. Jesus the man, the son of God, the whatever-you-believe-he-was would be straight out ashamed of such lunacy and idiocy in HIS name.

That guy, in response to someone saying that pretty much ALL Christian holidays are Pagan and have a lot of Pagan symbolism and traditions still in it with "At least Christmas turned the Pagan day into one that (hopefully) celebrates the birth of OUR Savior." *headdesks* I have NO words.