Yay! I saw it!! :) Will write up later, now falling down in fatigue. Will not be able to remember all there is to say.

I did a Tarot reading and it's about.. fifth time in a row that the Death card comes up followed by the Lovers? I don't think they're going to move on from this point until I somehow work it out. They're just as stubborn as I am, really, and as sarcastic, but while I know what they're referring to, I don't know what they suggest I do about it. They will not say. It's those two cards, but if I ask for explanation it's gibberish to follow. I get the point, I'm not getting further help from them on the matter. *grumbles*

I didn't go to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter, because Patrick got two tickets to VNV Nation and he wanted me to go. Now, ok, I had no idea who they were at all. And I honestly am not familiar with the "goth movement", either. Let's just say I never saw so many people wearing such peculiar clothes, or men in leather skirts with no intent on doing drag. :P It`s a fascinating culture, though, I was very impressed. Culture-shocked, but impressed and intrigued.

Aside form that, the band is incredible. I wasn't that moved when I looked up a couple of their songs on YouTube before the concert, but they are wonderful live! (Although I still don't get how their music qualifies as any type of "goth"..) Ronan has such an incredible stage presence (ok, maybe I also have a huge crush on him, leave me alone!), and they put on an awesome show. They're actually much better live. xD And Mark is full of awesome too, of course. It's not often where a drummer has such great stage presence, too.

They had two bands opening for them - the first one was Ayria from Toronto, who was great, the second one was Tapes of War, who were mundane (there is nothing worse than being mundane, it's better to be bloody awful!).

I am going to see the movie in a few hours, though, with a few friends. xD

Also? The amazing la_dissonance drew an amazing Firenze/Ginny for me RIGHT HERE. I know, right? I am this big weird freak and she still indulged me. xD

*Chandler walks in as Rachel, Ross, Phoebe and Monica are having breakfast, slams the door*

Chandler: I just walked into the bathroom and saw Cathy naked. It was like torture.
Ross: You know, if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a big surprise.
Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse, you know? I mean, it's bad enough that I'm in love with my roommate's girlfriend - which, by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we're in a room together there's this weird, like, energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now *hops onto the counter* I have seen her naked. I mean, at least when I've seen her with clothes on I could imagine that her body was, like, covered in boils or something. *hops off counter* But there are no boils. She's smooth. Smooth! *slams the door*
Phoebe: Wow. Could everyone totally see up his robe?
Everyone: Oh yeah, oh my God. Eugh.

Why am I quoting this? Because it's funny. Of course, it's not that funny, but I came across this episode and saw this and it reminded me of something, so I had to quote it. *chuckles to herself*

This is the second time in a row I have such incredibly vivid and terrifying dreams I wake up out of breath. Today I woke up either cold or scared out of my mind, but shaking, basically. It's hard to tell.

I usually dream vividly, and I always dream, but this is just... Going to bed has never been this intense. Part of me enjoys those dreams. They're interesting, and when I say terrifying, I don't mean horror. It's more of a psychological type of horror. Like the other day I dreamt most of the night it was a full moon (it was a full moon and and a lunar eclipse at the time), and the moon kept taking these amazing shapes and colours, and I tried to take a picture but couldn't. Except every time that happened, there was this very pale man in a black robe that I innately knew was... evil would not be a word enough to describe it. And, in fact, I don't think I have the words nor the strength to describe the rest of that dream.

I've been sleeping all the time lately, which means many many dreams. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night (at least once, always), which constitutes for more than one intricate plot. I could almost write books about them now, though I believe putting stuff like that on paper is not the best idea.

Anyway, I know why it's going on right now, and I was totally prepared, it's just a bit of an overbearing pressure on my mind and body. I usually don't have nightmares when I sleep with someone, but I'm weary of asking any of my friends to stay over (or stay over with them), because these gifts-of-a-dream aren't meant to be shared but will be. And while they're meant only for me, I doubt they have the strength to block them out.

It's bitter-sweet, really, because if I said I hated the entire affair, I would be lying.

I'm writing this to myself, for now. You don't read this, you won't know this. But I need to say it. Thank you for the biggest wake-up call of my life.

Thank you for letting me see that I have long ago lost my faith, my patience, my ability to love, communicate, and find happiness in little things. Thank you for showing me that I have lost sight of the big picture. Thank you for helping me realize I've lost who I used to be, who was loved and respected because I knew how to love and respect myself, who didn't take herself too seriously, and who didn't make herself believe that strength and pride were the most important things in the world, and let them replace feelings and compassion.

Thank you for making me realize it's been months since I smiled and meant it, since I wasn't in pain. Thank you for making me realize that it's not my honesty that's the problem, but lack of care for people I love. That my "honesty" is nothing but my own pain and anger and frustration that I take out on other people. Thank you for letting down your guards so I could remember that I'm not the only one in pain, going through a rough time, feeling trapped.

Thank you for making me realize that the way I feel about people is really the way I feel about myself. Thank you for showing me how much pain I can bring to those I care about, and the way I act towards them. Thank you for making me see that my negativity is stifling, and what I project onto others are issues going on inside of me that others don't deserve to feel, can't handle and shouldn't be made to.

Thank you for showing me how scared I really am, how hard I try to hide it, what a cold-hearted person all my defences make me. Because you know about that. I see myself in you, it's why I understand you so well, and it scares me. If I put up those walls they will never come down. I'm not as strong as you are.

Thank you for showing me that I'm still in there, somewhere - the girl who is happy, kind, fun, loving, forgiving, compassionate - and when I find her, I'd love for you to meet her. You'd really love her.


A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel.

Ok. clever_claws sent, and hp_summersmut pretty much beaten into submission. xD smrw_ficafest is also ready to be sent, beta looking over it one last time.

Now I shall go to church and confess. I know, I know, not exactly a Catholic (more Pagan than anything else), but don't even ask. It feels the right thing to do right now. I don't know if this desire is my own, or the person's who accidentally hijacked my head for a couple of days - his fault partially, because who transmits mass amounts of that kind of intense energy without warning (wasn't aware, though, him), and kind of my fault, too, for total lack of control. But yeah, the desire is probably his, but it feels like it needs to be done, and who am I to argue with myself? No skin off my nose, in the end. Let's see where it takes me.

How are you, guys?

Hee. Updating about the Parade (with pictures!) a little later. It's still going on, I'm just home for a little break.

Watched the last episode of Buffy season 5.

Giles: Just in case we can't stop Glory doing the ritual, if she bleeds Dawn the only things that will close it is her death. Either she dies, or the whole world perishes.
Buffy: Not listening! Not listening! *drama drama* Lalalala!
Giles: No choice. If it starts, Dawn dies anyway with the rest of the world.
Buffy: Ok. Then the last thing she and everyone sees is me trying to save her. I'd rather the whole world ends than she dies and I let it happen.

That is one of the many many reasons why I find Buffy a stupid character in some ways. I understand grief and wanting to save someone you love, but if it's someone you love vs. the whole world and your loved one would die anyway, it's not the time for Buffy to go the way she always does and act like a stubborn 2-year-old (you know, denial + near-tears + "fuck all reason I'm not listening lalalalala").

In the end she goes: The ritual starts we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.

At which point it's nothing but the overbearing stupidity and selfishness, because she wants to die knowing she "protected" her sister until the end. Who cares if all her friends and everyone else in the world INCLUDING DAWN dies in agonizing pain and no one will care what she did or did not do for Dawn. The whole world revolves around Buffy, fuck everyone else. Though it is consistent with her character - Joss wrote that personality trait as her major flaw. Throughout the whole show, sometimes I don't know how her friends stand her. I would've slapped her a few hundred times to SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT! In the end, I only think Buffy sacrificed herself because she saw that Dawn was going to jump if she didn't, because Buffy jumped for Dawn, Dawn would've jumped for the rest of the world (as the younger Summers is not "it's all about me and my pain and my guilt", ironically).

So it's PRIDE in Toronto this week! xD The whole week, but the really big parties started on Friday night, and Pride wraps up on Sunday with the Gay Pride Parade (which is, I heard, the second biggest parade in North America, or something like that). I live at the middle of the Gaybourhood (yes, official term), and basically it's been a non-stop party. They go all out every year - pride flag on every store window, all the roads are closed, music and dancing blasting everywhere. The street was dubbed the "Gaybourhood", by the way, because most biggest gay clubs, hot-spots etc. are located here. It`s one of our big tourist attractions.

So imagine thousands of people, half from out of town, half from around here (thousands come from U.S. for the Parade), poured out on the street I live on. It's awesome. I also live straight in front of the hugest gay club in town, and the line is bigger than the Louvre right now, so no sleeping for me this week. It's Hit Me Baby One More Time really loudly for the fifth time in a row.

Highlight of the night: I decided at midnight I was bored and went outside, because all my friends are otherwise occupied tonight, which was initially going to keep me home but fuck that, it`s a party!!! And while wading through the crowds, I tripped over a guy giving another guy a blowjob. These things only happen to me, really. I looked down and thought "Huh. That's kind of radical. Pretty funny that so many people and no one notices." And, funnily enough, no one DID notice.. until I tripped over them. Good thing is they took it in pretty good humour ("Well, at least I didn't bite!"). You know, after I got over my overbearing embarrassment, I was kind of amused. Not to mention it was hot. xD

Today I did some Pride shopping for the Parade tomorrow. Got different colour nail-polishes because I want to put rainbow colours on all my nails. I got my rainbow tanktop and my rainbow necklace, and got a Pride 2009 dogtag and the pride coloured bracelet. A pride Canadian flag, as well. Also, hair-cut and major waxing.

I am way into celebrating Pride. I go all out. I'm ready to PARTY!!

Patrick got me a gorgeous edition of The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri. I adore it, and I've been looking for a good edition, preferably with all three in one book. This one is translated by Allen Mandelbaum, who is one of the best translators you can get for this work. Borzoi Books and Everyman's Library are usually pretty great.

I read parts of Inferno and Paradisio in Italian, and unfortunately this book doesn't have the Italian books in it, but I can get those separately. Also, I didn't read Purgatorio in Italian, and I'm not really even looking forward to reading it in English. Dante's writing style matches the three books - Inferno is very fiery and passionate, Paradisio is very light and easy, and Purgatorio is long and mundane and makes you feel like you're standing still. It's an absolutely genius way to write it.

Anyway, very happy! xD And by the way, it smells awesome. I'm going to sniff it all day.